The discourse around Teslas these days is all a bit contrived to me. The screen is in the centre! The speedo isn't in front of you! The interior is so minimalist! Wow, the performance!
Oh please, do grow up. And while you're at it, cut it with the contrived conversations around Elon Musk as well. Ever the online baddie, especially since buying what everyone seems to be determined to continue referring to as "X (formerly known as Twitter)", there's an alternative angle few explore when it comes to the controversial figure.
Face it: the man is the coolest billionaire. Sure, that's a bit like saying someone is the kindest burglar or the most religious atheist, but the man has a sense of humour that bleeds into everything he does. Why not build a rocket company and send a car into space? Why not make a flamethrower? Why not call your tunnelling business The Boring Company?
Love him or hate him, he's unashamedly himself in a world where many wear a mask of professional sensibility out of self-preservation. Musk's bold personality is something that has clearly bled into his cars as well, as a few days spent with the updated Tesla Model 3 revealed.
Tell 'em they're dreaming
Let's face it, charging an EV is an absolute snooze-fest. It's all well and good if you can find a charging station near the gym, shopping centre, or your chosen dinner spot – since these are things that will kill some time – but if you're stuck in the middle of nowhere, you'll be left with enough time to count all the dollars you could have saved by buying a petrol-powered car that would have only taken two minutes to refill. You know what they say: time is money.
Old mate Elon has clearly thought this one out; he's probably been there and done that. After all, as a former McLaren F1 owner, he clearly knows his whips.
Tesla's Supercharger network, of course, is central to the streamlined charging experience. As soon as you plug your chosen station into the Google Maps navigation, it'll automatically begin preconditioning the battery for fast charging to save a precious minute or two. The chargers also boot up automatically as everything is connected to your Tesla account; no fiddling around with dodgy tap-and-go card readers here.
However, there's still the inevitable wait of anywhere from 30-60 minutes even at a fast charge station. That's where the Tesla's controversial but brilliant central touchscreen comes in. You mightn't like the fact the speedo and gear-shifter is located on it, but this screen is a game-changer when it comes to killing time.
As I sat on my air conditioned driver's seat on this boiling hot day, I started to explore just what functions were included on this system. The most obvious sign of Musk's admittedly childish humour is in its Emissions Testing Mode, which allowed me to set a whoopee cushion trap for the next person who'd be driving this test car after me.
I also found I could program hip hop beats using a built in 808 drum machine. Step aside, Rick Ross, because I can do one better than your Maybach Music.
Going through some of the driving-related functions revealed more hidden gems. Using Google Maps rather than a standard sat nav system means you can switch it over to Mars Mode, which uses real satellite imagery from the Red Planet. Of course, this is a nod to Musk's space-conquering ambitions.
The Autopilot self-driving display could also be configured to emulate the Rainbow Road map from Mario Kart, while Christmas Mode allows you to get into the festive spirit with a Santa's sleigh display and the music to boot.
Mind you, as the singleton on the Ark & Sons staff, I was unable to make any use of Romance Mode, which sparks up the fireplace, dials up the heat, and adds some mood music into the mix.
You can tell Musk is a gamer at heart, because there are plenty of games included as well. Stardew Valley is a real highlight as one of the greatest indie games out there, while the stand-out you'll want to show all your mates is, of course, Beach Buggy Racing 2.
As you can see above, you use the car's actual steering wheel and pedals to control the car in the game. I hear tyre companies love it as well, since the car's front wheels still turn while you're playing it.
For the more mature among you, there are also brainy games such as chess or 2048 to pass the time with. Those in the rear are also treated to their own screen on which they can watch other people play games on Twitch while also watching those in the front of the cabin play games. Gameception.
Is it all a bit silly? Sure, you could say so, but what else are you going to do while you sit endlessly in a carpark thinking of ways one could convert electricity into liquid form?
After all, silly is in right now. You know it, I know it, and Elon Musk of all people knows it. He might as well have written the book on it. He's clearly found a cure to the kind of boredom that once seemed inescapably torturous.
No matter how much you think the man has got wrong, this is one thing he's got very, very right.
Forget the funny business
While it might be all smiles and laughter on the inside, Tesla has been serious about ironing out the many complaints that marred pre-facelift Model 3s regarding the driving department.
Much of this update focused on sweating the small stuff that resides beneath the surface. The suspension and steering has been completely reworked with new bushings, dampers, springs, steering knuckles, and a different steering ratio. A more aerodynamic – and not to mention far more attractive – body and lithium iron phosphate battery also promise increased efficiency.
Tesla's hard work certainly delivers on all counts. The ride quality and handling are a world away from before, with a much more compliant ride which will no longer make passengers feel queasy.
The efficiency is clearly there as well. In fact, there are only two EVs I've ever tested which delivered a better energy efficiency reading, neither of which – the original Hyundai Ioniq and Kona Electric – are still on sale. It's not all about the practical jokes here; the Model 3 can don a set of sensible sneakers just as well as it can clown shoes.
2024 Tesla Model 3 Highland RWD
Price (MSRP): AUD$61,900 // As Tested: AUD$68,100
Engine: Single electric motor, 60kWh lithium-ion battery pack (estimated)
Transmission: 1-speed automatic
Drivetrain: RWD
Power: 208kW // 283PS (estimated)
Torque: 420Nm // 310lb-ft (estimated)
Acceleration (0-100km/h // 0-62mph): 6.1 seconds
Top Speed: 201km/h // 125mph
Weight: 1765kg (tare)
Economy: 14.3kWh/100km (as tested)
