Ferrari caved. In 2016, the brand's then-chairman Sergio Marchionne was asked whether the Prancing Horse would ever make an SUV. His answer? "You have to shoot me first."
Barely a year later, Mr Marchionne announced that Ferrari had caved to pressure from investors and was developing an SUV. This is why we now have the rolling desecration that is the Purosangue. That infamous remark clearly aged like milk.
Of course, Ferrari isn't the first Italian sports car company to build a performance SUV in the name of profits. Alfa Romeo did just that in 2017 with the Stelvio. The difference was that, at the time, the company had already tried to cash in on questionable cars such as the Arna and MiTo.
Don’t get me wrong, I like SUVs – I just don't like to see the dilution of historic marques. It's all well and good for Range Rover and Jeep to churn out SUVs because their brands are built on foundations of utilitarian values. But Alfa Romeo, a company that built its brand off the back of motor racing and head-craning design? Really?
Alfa Romeo doesn't see it that way. It claims the Stelvio Quadrifoglio highlights "Alfa Romeo’s performance and motorsports expertise" and "delivers an unmatched driving experience". Everyone's a comedian these days…
And yet, if you spend some time researching the Stelvio, you might just wonder whether there is a method to their madness. After all, its development was led by Roberto Fedeli – the same wizard who honed the superlative Ferrari 458 Speciale. As a result, it boasts near-perfect 50:50 weight distribution; its 2.9-litre twin-turbocharged V6 has the same V-angle, bore, and stroke as the engine in the Ferrari Roma.
I figured I should probably verify this alleged "unmatched driving experience" for myself. So I took Alfa’s premium Toorak tractor to one of Victoria's greatest driving roads: the Black Spur.
Let’s get one thing out of the way: the Stelvio's engine is an utter tour de force. Prod the angry pedal and all reservations about the Stelvio’s rental-car interior and frightening thirst are instantly dismissed. It is truly one of the great engines of the 21st century.
The sound, for one thing, is utterly intoxicating. Activate Race mode to open the exhaust, floor the angry pedal, and a guttural roar erupts from the slanted quad-exhausts, the likes of which the Spur's ancient trees haven’t heard since the Jurassic period.
Then there's the way the Stelvio's engine delivers its power. I wasn’t surprised by the kidney-pinching, low-down torque – turbocharged engines tend to excel at this. I was surprised that the fury never let up, even as the revs climbed to stratospheric heights.
The Stelvio's definitely-not-a-Ferrari-engine V6 is so good, in fact, that even if the car handled like a wheel-less wheelbarrow I'd almost be willing to forgive it. However, spoiler alert, it actually handles like a dream.
The Black Spur is one of Australia's most gruelling roads, featuring spaghetti-in-a-bowl-like switchbacks. It's the perfect place to find out whether a performance car is worth its weight in gold.
The Stelvio's permanent all-wheel drive system provided plenty of traction while also allowing for some cheeky rear slippage when pushed. Nothing outlandish, mind you – just pure entertainment. Its suspension, while firm, coped with the Spur's undulations impressively well and stabilised quickly over the worst of the road's imperfections.
Transmission wise, the Alfa benefits from an eight-speed automatic. It's a single-clutch unit that delivers shifts – particularly upshifts – that are certainly quick, if not quite as seamless as the fastest dual-clutch setups. The brakes did a fine job of halting progress when needed and displayed limited fade despite my enthusiastic driving.
Second only to the engine, the Stelvio's mesmeric steering is its defining feature. Alfa, it seems, copied Ferrari's steering telemetry homework. There is not much in the way of braille-like feel but the rack makes up for it with a dexterity and speed that is reminiscent of Maranello's masterpieces.
However, as the road climbed and I pushed the Stelvio harder, it became apparent that even with all its talents and tricks, the Stelvio cannot beat physics.
At the end of the day, the Stelvio is an SUV. This means it comes with the single-biggest compromise of an SUV – namely, a higher centre of gravity. Once I started to push beyond seven-tenths, I felt the Stelvio moving around as it struggled to contain its weight. At road speeds, it never became ragged; rather, I could feel it reminding me of its top-heavy limitations.
As a result, I spent much of my time driving the Stelvio damning it with faint praise. The Stelvio does deliver an unmatched driving experience… for an SUV.
As I pushed towards Marysville, I never shook the sense that, no matter how much fun I was having, that I would have been having more fun in the lower, cheaper, and more athletic Giulia sedan. Size, it seems, does matter, no matter what the PC brigade would have us believe.
However, we live in a world where things need to be rationalised more than ever. Look at it this way: if your other half is utterly convinced that you need a more practical SUV rather than a sporty sedan, at least a vehicle like the Stelvio Quadrifoglio still gives you an outlet.
You might not be getting your cake and eating it too, but at least with this you're getting a very decent slice of it.
2024 Alfa Romeo Stelvio Quadrifoglio
Price (MSRP): A$162,700
Engine: 2.9-litre twin-turbocharged V6 petrol
Transmission: 8-speed automatic
Drivetrain: AWD
Power: 375kW // 510PS at 6500rpm
Torque: 600Nm // 443lb-ft from 2500-5000rpm
Acceleration (0-100km/h // 0-62mph): 3.8 seconds
Top Speed: 283km/h // 176mph
Weight: 1790kg (tare)
Economy: 10.2L/100km (claimed)
